Heathrow Headache

Caught the fast train to Heathrow, which was very efficient. Unfortunately, in our carriage was an American family of mother, father, child and grandmother, or 'Grammie' as they all referred to her. They all spoke in unnecessarily loud voices, as if they were calling to each other across the Great Plains of Kansas. The father was fat and had a grey General Custer beard. He wore a stars and stripes scarf on his head. "This carriage smells like pickles!", he bellowed at us all.
 
My fellow passengers and I were very glad that the carriage was crowded, so that the American family had to stand up for the twenty minute journey - it was the least we could do for them. The child, a girl of about seven, began skipping on the spot as she bellowed an interminable made-up ditty about a mouse, in a house, and a 'kouse' and a 'fouse' and a 'pouse' and a 'zouse' and a 'bouse'. Mother American bellowed, "Careful of Grammie's bad toe, Kelly!", and all in the carriage gave a silent prayer that Kelly would stamp on the offending digit - it was the least we could do.
 
Kelly eventually ceased her skipping, then bellowed to the mother, "Gee! Momma, I really need to go pee-pee!". The American mother bellowed back, "I think the restroom is not working, sweetie!", at which the child hollered, "I guess that's ok, Momma! I can hold the pee-pee in my tummy-tum till later!" 

The horror continued all the way to Heathrow. The train had a video screen, which displayed a slide-show of London tourist sights. The American mother looked at it for a while and then bellowed, "Gee! London's so overrated! I can't wait to get back home! I guess I'm just a big country gal!". Yes, I thought, remove the 'ree' and 'gal' from that statement and you'll have no argument from me.

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