Fucken [sic] Legend (Apparently)

    This morning I walked from my flat across Vauxhall Bridge, to my bank in Victoria, to arrange my rent payment. It was a beautiful, crisp morning and all of the puddles along the way had become sheets of ice that crunched underfoot. Fallen leaves in the gutters were frosted in white.  The air felt pleasantly like burning ice in my chest and my breath drifted white in front of my face.
    Leaving the bank, I went into a cafe for a late breakfast. It was stuffed with tourists. A buff young Australian buck was sitting with his girlfriend, talking loudly to a young Finnish guy.
  “Yeah, we was fucken smashed for three fucken weeks, mate! Fucken beer, fucken whiskey, tequila, fucken shots, the lot! We were fucken legends!” His girlfriend joined in.
   “Fuck! We were fucken alcohol zombies for the whole fucken trip! Amazing!” The Finnish guy thought for a bit and then said, 
   “Did you guys met Andrea when she was here? She went to the doctor because she was ill. She didn’t know why. The doctor asked her how many nights a week she has alcohol. She said seven nights a week. He said how long has this happened? She said eleven months. He said: This is my diagnosis – stop fucking drinking so much alcohol and you’ll feel better.”
   “No fucken WAY!” yelled the Australian girl, “What a killjoy! I couldn’t go without a drink every night. What’s life for unless you can get fucken smashed?... I’m fucken smashed all the time.”
   “Yes”, said the Finn, “When I came back from Berlin I walked into a bar in Paddington and I just straight away just passed out on the floor and everybody just stepped over me until I woke up again.”
   “Fucken legend!” said the Australian guy.

   Later, I found myself in bright, crisp Sloane Square, so I called into the Queen’s Head for a glass of lunchtime Merlot. The place was empty apart from someone off the telly who I couldn’t quite place. He was talking in a measured tone to his companion, a young man with a purple scarf.
   “That is precisely my point, James, I will NOT be browbeaten into an apology for something that was entirely justified and well-deserved. That is my current position and they can either take it or leave it, as they may.”

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