Yo Ho Ho!

   Yesterday afternoon I went into Tesco to buy a couple of things for Friday's xmas lunch. The blazing neon lights dazzled as I came in from the dark 4pm street. It was crowded with shoppers. A fat christmas tree leaned drunkenly in the doorway, bedecked with tinsel and hanging things. Searching for the christmas puddings, I wended my way through the haphazard, basket-wielding shoppers. A young mother yelled at her three under-tens to "Stop fuckin' touchin' everyfing!" An old dear in a moulting black shaggy coat blew her nose on a scrunched handful of tissues. Several of the employees were wearing big red christmas baubles as earrings; some had Santa hats made of red felt perched on their heads. Suddenly, an entire christmas elf came lurching down the aisle, carrying a stack of baskets to the checkouts. The unfortunate, lumpen creature was dressed in a red and green outfit, complete with curly pixie boots and pointy hat with a little bell on it. Her makeup was quite frightening: bright red rouged cheeks and a rouge-reddened nose. As I watched her gallumphing down the customer-choked aisle a song began to play loudly over the supermarket sound system. It was The Pogues' 'Fairytale of New York'. The lyrics blared down onto the shoppers' heads: 'Your'e a bum / you're a punk / you're an old slut on junk / lying there almost dead, on a drip in that bed / You scumbag, you maggot / You cheap lousy faggot / Happy Christmas your arse / I pray God it's our last!' .. And I thought that someone in the upstairs office must have a very mordant sense of humour.

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